{"id":9443,"date":"2021-04-28T14:12:58","date_gmt":"2021-04-28T13:12:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/path-perinatal.eu\/uk\/?post_type=professionals&p=9443"},"modified":"2021-06-17T22:37:45","modified_gmt":"2021-06-17T21:37:45","slug":"manage-expectations","status":"publish","type":"professionals","link":"https:\/\/path-perinatal.eu\/uk\/professionals\/manage-expectations\/","title":{"rendered":"Manage expectations"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Any mother or parent will tell you; having a baby changes everything.

Expectations can run high, so which ones are common?

As professionals what information is useful when supporting the new parent with these expectations?<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/section>\n<\/div><\/section>\n\n\n\n

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Question:<\/strong><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Do the new mums and parents you see struggle with fantasy not matching up to reality?<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Useful information for professionals when supporting parents around this:<\/strong><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Many parents create a fantasy of what having children will be like, often influenced by their own experiences. How do we balance those expectations with reality?

People always talk about the fantasy wedding. But people develop fantasy babies too \u2013 ideas they\u2019ve compiled about what their child will be like, or what parenthood will look like.

Often there\u2019s a lot of wishful thinking connected to the parents\u2019 own childhood experiences: What did they do as a child that they loved? What did they want and not get?

In the fantasy, they can get what they want, which can be fun to think about: The baby girl they want because they never had a sister, or the baby boy they want because they loved their little brother.

But the higher the expectations \u2013 which for many mothers and parents, are pretty high, the
greater the potential fall if things don\u2019t work out the way they\u2019d imagined.

When they\u2019re very fixed on that fantasy, and the fantasy is an expectation that needs to be met in order to be good enough, or when it\u2019s hard to think about something not going the way they want it, then it\u2019s a problem.

\u201cFor emotional health, flexibility is the name of the game.\u201d
Catherine Birndorf, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Co-founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Centre in New York City.<\/em>

If the parent can imagine that they might not get what they want, or they might get some but not all of it, and they\u2019re okay with that, that\u2019s emotional flexibility. And that helps create emotional well-being.<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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TIP FOR PROFESSIONAL:<\/h3><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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If a parent you\u2019re working with, is feeling really rigid about something they want as a mother, or parent, suggest either they find some mental space for themselves, or go through this with them, and consider the following:<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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    What would be the worst thing that could happen?<\/p><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>

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    What am I giving up?<\/p><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>

  • <\/i><\/span>

    What am I going to miss in life?<\/p><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>

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    What are the implications of something like this for me?<\/p><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li><\/ul><\/div>\n\n\n\n

    The above is about acknowledging the disappointments in life, the grieving & letting them go, in order to enable the adaptation to the reality of the situation.<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/section>\n<\/div><\/section>\n\n\n\n

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    Question:<\/strong><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

    Do the new mums or parents you see experience imposter syndrome?<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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    Useful information for professionals when supporting parents around this:<\/strong><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

    Many women go into motherhood having always wanted a child. Maybe they feel really confident that they\u2019ll do a fine job as a mother, given that they\u2019ve spent years of babysitting.

    Then they bring the baby home and suddenly think to themselves; I\u2019m not grown-up enough for this!

    It\u2019s not that people are immature before they have children; but learning how to be a mum or
    parent, is one of the most profound experiences and changes in life. It isn\u2019t as immediate as people think.

    Getting pregnant doesn\u2019t magically make someone grow up. Surprisingly, the only thing someone needs to take a baby home from the hospital in a car, is a car seat!! No manual. No test. And no returns!

    \u201cMotherhood is a whole developmental stage, and we haven\u2019t considered it as such because we have this idea it\u2019s supposed to be natural and easy and obvious.\u201d
    Catherine Birndorf, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Co-founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Centre in New York City.<\/em><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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    TIP FOR PROFESSIONAL:<\/h3><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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    You can raise the issue of Motherhood\/Parenthood being a whole developmental stage, which involves a process of renegotiating and reworking their own narrative to get to a healthy place where they can successfully and comfortably mother or parent a child.

    This can be re-assuring for the parent who may be struggling with unrealistic self-expectations.<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/section>\n<\/div><\/section>\n\n\n\n

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    Question:<\/strong><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

    Do the new mums and parents you see find themselves lacking social, emotional, and practical support?<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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    Useful information for professionals when supporting parents around this:<\/strong><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

    Isolation and loneliness are very big concerns for new mums and parents.

    In these times of social mobility, intergenerational support can be lacking, and new mums and
    parents can find themselves trying to cope alone. It has not been normal, in the course of history,
    to do this alone.

    \u201cIt takes a village to raise a child\u201d is an African proverb that means an entire community of people must interact with children for those children to experience and grow in a safe and healthy environment.
    Catherine Birndorf, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Co-founder and Medical Director of The
    Motherhood Centre in New York City.<\/em><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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    TIP FOR PROFESSIONAL:<\/h3><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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    Suggest that the parent finds a peer group of parents and nurture relationships within that cohort.

    You may be able to help the parent find a group. This can start with simple things: baby and toddler classes; playdates; getting out of the house.

    And sometimes, when the child starts school in particular; the parent can start to move with the same group of families. And those relationships can last for years \u2013 even when the children outgrow each other.

    The parents can make friends with people they never would have been friends with otherwise, but they bond by virtue of similar circumstances. And that becomes their family and their village.<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/section>\n<\/div><\/section>\n\n\n\n

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    Question:<\/strong><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

    Do the new mums and parents you see get caught up in the \u2018competition\u2019 of parenting?<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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    Useful information for professionals when supporting parents around this:<\/strong><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

    Competition is in some ways natural and normal, but when parents are among their peers, there can be a particularly subtle, gradual kind of competitive experience which can have harmful effects. This can elicit the question \u201cDo I measure up?\u201d And when people feel insecure, they tend to not be that nice.

    For mums, that insecurity can come out in parenting judgements:

    You\u2019re not breastfeeding? You work? You don\u2019t work?

    \u201cSome mothers are going to have it easier than others, and they will face different questions about what is best and what choices are right.\u201d
    Catherine Birndorf, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Co-founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Centre in New York City.<\/em>

    Parents trying to prove to themselves that they\u2019re doing motherhood \u201cright\u201d is often an unconscious effort to make themselves feel better, but it may make somebody else feel terrible.<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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    TIP FOR PROFESSIONAL:<\/h3><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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    Raise awareness & encourage parents that they need to band together\u2014not pick on one another to prove one way is best. From this collaborative support, connection and camaraderie can develop.

    The problem is not really between one group of women and another, or one mum and another mum. It is between all women and society.

    It is a struggle, and an uphill struggle to find balance in life.

    There is no formula for \u201chaving it all.\u201d<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/section>\n<\/div><\/section>\n\n\n\n

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    Question:<\/strong><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

    Are the new mums and parents you see influenced by Social Media?<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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    Useful information for professionals when supporting parents around this:<\/strong><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

    While social media is definitely a platform for sharing joy, it can foster a greater sense of comparison
    and loneliness for new parents. Is there a way to use it thoughtfully?

    There\u2019s so much pressure already to make being a mum look perfect and effortless, and it\u2019s amplified by social media. When aspirational figures are followed online\u2014who get paid to look perfect and effortless\u2014it\u2019s easy for a parent to feel like they\u2019re never going to live up to that.

    But it\u2019s important to remember that it doesn\u2019t reflect the real experience of pregnancy and motherhood.

    \u201cA photo and a caption shouldn\u2019t be the end of the conversation.\u201d
    Catherine Birndorf, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Co-founder and Medical Director of The
    Motherhood Centre in New York City.<\/em><\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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    TIP FOR PROFESSIONAL:<\/h3><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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    Social Media is a huge influencer, and it\u2019s important to start opening up the benefits and pitfalls with your parents: It\u2019s natural to want to share happy news, photos and successes.
    Parents don\u2019t do it to make anyone feel bad, but ultimately it can have that effect.

    How do you tell a friend that you\u2019re pregnant when you know they are struggling or just had a miscarriage?

    How do you talk about your pain and losses when somebody else seems super happy? How do we all tolerate one another\u2019s experiences when they\u2019re different?

    Often parents don\u2019t ask for help online for fear of being judged as not being a good mum. Or if they admit to wanting some time to themselves, someone will think they are selfish. So everything feels like a confession, with criticism and judgements to follow.

    But these feelings are normal and need to be recognised and brought into the light.

    As professionals we can encourage our parents to be thoughtful and genuine with other parents, and to communicate the grittier, murkier side of motherhood too.<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/section>\n<\/div><\/section>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"template":"","class_list":["post-9443","professionals","type-professionals","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/path-perinatal.eu\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/professionals\/9443","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/path-perinatal.eu\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/professionals"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/path-perinatal.eu\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/professionals"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/path-perinatal.eu\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9443"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}