© 2021 Copyright: Bournemouth University
Question:
Do the new mums and parents you see struggle with fantasy not matching up to reality?
Useful information for professionals when supporting parents around this:
Many parents create a fantasy of what having children will be like, often influenced by their own experiences. How do we balance those expectations with reality?
People always talk about the fantasy wedding. But people develop fantasy babies too – ideas they’ve compiled about what their child will be like, or what parenthood will look like.
Often there’s a lot of wishful thinking connected to the parents’ own childhood experiences: What did they do as a child that they loved? What did they want and not get?
In the fantasy, they can get what they want, which can be fun to think about: The baby girl they want because they never had a sister, or the baby boy they want because they loved their little brother.
But the higher the expectations – which for many mothers and parents, are pretty high, the
greater the potential fall if things don’t work out the way they’d imagined.
When they’re very fixed on that fantasy, and the fantasy is an expectation that needs to be met in order to be good enough, or when it’s hard to think about something not going the way they want it, then it’s a problem.
“For emotional health, flexibility is the name of the game.”
Catherine Birndorf, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Co-founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Centre in New York City.
If the parent can imagine that they might not get what they want, or they might get some but not all of it, and they’re okay with that, that’s emotional flexibility. And that helps create emotional well-being.
If a parent you’re working with, is feeling really rigid about something they want as a mother, or parent, suggest either they find some mental space for themselves, or go through this with them, and consider the following:
The above is about acknowledging the disappointments in life, the grieving & letting them go, in order to enable the adaptation to the reality of the situation.
Question:
Do the new mums or parents you see experience imposter syndrome?
Useful information for professionals when supporting parents around this:
Many women go into motherhood having always wanted a child. Maybe they feel really confident that they’ll do a fine job as a mother, given that they’ve spent years of babysitting.
Then they bring the baby home and suddenly think to themselves; I’m not grown-up enough for this!
It’s not that people are immature before they have children; but learning how to be a mum or
parent, is one of the most profound experiences and changes in life. It isn’t as immediate as people think.
Getting pregnant doesn’t magically make someone grow up. Surprisingly, the only thing someone needs to take a baby home from the hospital in a car, is a car seat!! No manual. No test. And no returns!
“Motherhood is a whole developmental stage, and we haven’t considered it as such because we have this idea it’s supposed to be natural and easy and obvious.”
Catherine Birndorf, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Co-founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Centre in New York City.
You can raise the issue of Motherhood/Parenthood being a whole developmental stage, which involves a process of renegotiating and reworking their own narrative to get to a healthy place where they can successfully and comfortably mother or parent a child.
This can be re-assuring for the parent who may be struggling with unrealistic self-expectations.
Question:
Do the new mums and parents you see find themselves lacking social, emotional, and practical support?
Useful information for professionals when supporting parents around this:
Isolation and loneliness are very big concerns for new mums and parents.
In these times of social mobility, intergenerational support can be lacking, and new mums and
parents can find themselves trying to cope alone. It has not been normal, in the course of history,
to do this alone.
“It takes a village to raise a child” is an African proverb that means an entire community of people must interact with children for those children to experience and grow in a safe and healthy environment.
Catherine Birndorf, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Co-founder and Medical Director of The
Motherhood Centre in New York City.
Suggest that the parent finds a peer group of parents and nurture relationships within that cohort.
You may be able to help the parent find a group. This can start with simple things: baby and toddler classes; playdates; getting out of the house.
And sometimes, when the child starts school in particular; the parent can start to move with the same group of families. And those relationships can last for years – even when the children outgrow each other.
The parents can make friends with people they never would have been friends with otherwise, but they bond by virtue of similar circumstances. And that becomes their family and their village.
Question:
Do the new mums and parents you see get caught up in the ‘competition’ of parenting?
Useful information for professionals when supporting parents around this:
Competition is in some ways natural and normal, but when parents are among their peers, there can be a particularly subtle, gradual kind of competitive experience which can have harmful effects. This can elicit the question “Do I measure up?” And when people feel insecure, they tend to not be that nice.
For mums, that insecurity can come out in parenting judgements:
You’re not breastfeeding? You work? You don’t work?
“Some mothers are going to have it easier than others, and they will face different questions about what is best and what choices are right.”
Catherine Birndorf, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Co-founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Centre in New York City.
Parents trying to prove to themselves that they’re doing motherhood “right” is often an unconscious effort to make themselves feel better, but it may make somebody else feel terrible.
Raise awareness & encourage parents that they need to band together—not pick on one another to prove one way is best. From this collaborative support, connection and camaraderie can develop.
The problem is not really between one group of women and another, or one mum and another mum. It is between all women and society.
It is a struggle, and an uphill struggle to find balance in life.
There is no formula for “having it all.”
Question:
Are the new mums and parents you see influenced by Social Media?
Useful information for professionals when supporting parents around this:
While social media is definitely a platform for sharing joy, it can foster a greater sense of comparison
and loneliness for new parents. Is there a way to use it thoughtfully?
There’s so much pressure already to make being a mum look perfect and effortless, and it’s amplified by social media. When aspirational figures are followed online—who get paid to look perfect and effortless—it’s easy for a parent to feel like they’re never going to live up to that.
But it’s important to remember that it doesn’t reflect the real experience of pregnancy and motherhood.
“A photo and a caption shouldn’t be the end of the conversation.”
Catherine Birndorf, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Co-founder and Medical Director of The
Motherhood Centre in New York City.
Social Media is a huge influencer, and it’s important to start opening up the benefits and pitfalls with your parents: It’s natural to want to share happy news, photos and successes.
Parents don’t do it to make anyone feel bad, but ultimately it can have that effect.
How do you tell a friend that you’re pregnant when you know they are struggling or just had a miscarriage?
How do you talk about your pain and losses when somebody else seems super happy? How do we all tolerate one another’s experiences when they’re different?
Often parents don’t ask for help online for fear of being judged as not being a good mum. Or if they admit to wanting some time to themselves, someone will think they are selfish. So everything feels like a confession, with criticism and judgements to follow.
But these feelings are normal and need to be recognised and brought into the light.
As professionals we can encourage our parents to be thoughtful and genuine with other parents, and to communicate the grittier, murkier side of motherhood too.
© 2021 Copyright: Bournemouth University